Pee-arghs and Chocolate Tea Pots

“I don’t know.  I’ll get back to you”.  These two phrases are said more times per day than any other across the PR agencies of London when journalists ask questions that dare go off press release. Pathetic it is too. My team through the 80s and 90s were renowned – they stood out - for knowing the answers and being passionate about the high grade foods we represented -we only represented the best in class.  Many times we’d have helped the client develop or improve their product, so we had ownership. We were an inseparable client/agency team.

In the next few weeks I plan a raid on a series of agencies – just for fun you understand. I’m writing about it now as this will put word out there that something’s up. I guarantee that’ll make not a scrap of difference.

Food media has become too PR dependent – media has become too PR dependent.  Good PRs are worthy and useful – the most part are chocolate tea pots.

We’ve been introducing Confits for cheese into England – with some success.  One agency being paid generously by farmers and cheese makers in France has been lifting legs. Their impact has zero’d in on zero. Mails answered in less than a week are rapid reaction.

When the blind lead the blind one can get swiftly to barren lands. It’s time for a wake up call because these are not times to be squandering money, least of all the money of the farmers. In future, please have clients demanding that agencies have some real clout and knowledge – not flim-flam. Agency teams need to know how food is made, distributed, stored and stocked – and why. 99.9% have never sat with a supermarket buyer – let along grasped what happens in the negotiation process. If what I write wasn’t true, it would at least be laughable.

The PRs “It’s nice isn’t it?” has no objective worth. “I’ll get back to you” is of no use to nobody.  The dopey giggle and flick of hair doesn’t carry the day either.

Clients need to wise up and spend their marketing budgets more carefully – and stop their marketeers being duped in such big numbers by fast talking, tight jacketed, tie-less agency dudes across the faux sushi bars and pizzeria’s of Soho. High priced endorsement from a ‘sleb chef will get you nowhere either.

Expect some smart attack sometime soon.  Brief your switchboard. I’m coming. Stephen King’s Jack is back. We’re going to save the food makers a fortune and make them heroes for what they’re really worth.

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